Wednesday, December 19, 2018

' up please'

I recently found the following bizarre account:

This occurred in December 2016. I was outside having a cigarette at my mom's property in Alexandria, Minnesota. It's not that far from a municipal airport so it's not that uncommon to see low flying airplanes now and then over the farm. But that night I saw a bright light in the sky, and it moved slowly towards the direction of the airport. The light was so bright I couldn't see its shape.

It was strangely quiet and so the first thing I thought to do was get my phone out and video it. I thought I was in video mode but I was in camera mode. I took a blurry picture and then switched it to video mode but the screen froze up (which was normal) like it was taking a pic or trying to buffer or catch up. My phone froze and I had to restart it but by the time it restarted it was so far away. It looked like it was going to land at the airport so I thought it probably wasn't a UFO.

Anyway, that night I posted a long Facebook post trying to be funny. Saying that I saw a UFO but I couldn't get it on video on time. And that it was probably a conspiracy and probably why no videos of UFOs exist. It was all tongue-in-cheek but it still weirded me out. It was so quiet for a plane. But it was going to the airport, and I don't think aliens land at small airports so I rationalized it away.

I came back to Los Angeles for New Years, and New Years Eve morning I got a knock on my apartment door. I looked through the peephole and saw this creepy guy wearing a 'Mad Men' era hat and suit. Like a creepy bald Don Draper. I pretended I wasn't home but then he said "FBI, open up please. We know you're in there." His voice sounded like either he was very old or someone had kicked him in the neck and he was out of's hard to explain but the only thing I can say is that the voice sounded fake. Like someone was doing an impression of an old man only doing really bad at it.

The FBI thing scared me. I had no reason to be, but the first thing that came into my mind was that I had downloaded the first season of 'Game of Thrones' to see what the fuss was about and I had used a torrent site and while I was there I had searched for porn to see what torrents had. I remember following the rabbit hole and reading a bunch of weird descriptions of weird movies. I didn't download any but I had clicked on them and clicked on preview image to one out of curiosity.

I thought maybe he thought I downloaded the porn or it was about 'Game of Thrones.' I started getting anxious. He pounded on the door some more and it freaked me out even more so. I said "can I see some identification?" I looked through the peephole and he pulled out a badge, but it could have been a toy for all I knew. But he knew I was there. So I opened the door and prayed he wasn't a rapist and that if he was an FBI agent I could lie my way out of having downloaded 'Game of Thrones' and reading porn descriptions.

He was very scary looking. Old timey clothes, no eyebrows. Two lazy eyes. Bald. Wrinkled forehead and neck. I almost peed myself. He said to me, "I need to talk to you about the flying saucer you saw on the 22nd of December."

This weirded me out more because my Facebook is private, and I posted no pictures. Just that comment. And I thought about that Snowden guy and how we are being watched and it really freaked me out.

I asked him how he knew and he said "FBI knows everything ma'am." And he walked through my door way about 4 feet in and stopped. And that's where we remained during our conversation.

I told him the story and he was emotionless and expressionless the whole time. The next part always makes me laugh when I think about it but at the time was just so out of left field it completely tripped me out. He asked, "do your breasts produce milk?" I just said "no I'm not pregnant" and hoped this wasn't a weird pass he was making at me. "They're big but have no function." He said. Like a statement. I changed the subject back to the UFO and said "so was it a flying saucer that I saw? Was it aliens?" He said. "No such things as aliens. Forget about the incident." He then asked "Do you think you have a theory as to why female people look so different from male people?" I was just weirded out more but tried to play it off "interesting question. I sometimes wonder why our bathing suits are small and guys bathing suits are so big" (I had been thinking about this before) He then said "Do you think that bathing is the first step in controlling our evolution?"

I was just like "sure man." I wanted him out and it was creepy, but I wanted to be nice and not set him off. Then sh*t got even weirder. He just went silent. And I was silent. It was like he ran out of batteries. I kept smiling at him and he was not smiling back. "Can I help you with anything else? I'd love to help. blah blah blah." Just nervous blathering.

"Flying saucers don't exist. Don't talk about it." "Ok I won't." "I can't seem to find the door." This was even weirder. It was just behind him. So I thought he must be joking and I smiled and said it was right behind him. "Can you show me?" So then I tried to lead him to the door. He wouldn't turn his neck but I got him to turn his whole body around but it was like pulling teeth. "Are you ok? Should I call the hospital." "I just get stuck." Not got or get stuck sometimes it was just "I just get stuck," which I thought was weird at the time but now that I'm typing it, I guess it makes more sense. He then walked out. I closed the door as fast as I could.

My heart was beating so fast and I was replaying everything in my head so I could get the story down. Some of it made me laugh, but I was so creeped out. I told my mom, she said he must have been on drugs.

Over the years I've told some people this story. I've heard "FBI agents don't investigate UFO sightings" or maybe a friend was playing a joke. But nobody ever comments on how unearthly he looked. They just assume he's human. To me, the more I think about it the less human I think he is. - JHS

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